Black & Blue
I was sitting on a train car. New Jersey Transit to be exact. And I was surrounded by black and blue…suits that is. Business people all rushing their way to Wall Street heads locked into phones or files. Gripping their coffee cups like some horrible train demon would come any minute and swipe the cup- their only shred of joy in this moment- right out of their hand.
I’m a people watcher. And the people I was watching, they looked tired they looked stressed and they all looked kind of sad.
And there I was- happy-go-lucky little Natalie on her way to meet a friend and have some lunch and see a Broadway show! Just fun. No real rush or responsibilities, no regrets and no roots.
I am an actor, I would go where the wind carried me. Most of me loved that but there was also a part of me that hated the expiration date on it all. Employment, friendships, validation in my talents. It all came and went with such ease it’s hard to not get whiplash.
So in a lot of ways I realized I was probably just as sad- maybe even more sad- then all these 9-5ers around me. Sure, it was a bummer of a morning commute but they’d scrape through their day and make it back home to their families, maybe grab a drink with the girls, or catch a movie with their partner. Because they could just get their job over with and then enjoy their life. With all the money they had made from said job. With all their friends who also stay put. With all their homes and lives they had stayed and built for themselves. As much as the idea of a steady desk job -or god forbid a routine- freaked me out. As I watched their commutes I started to wonder if they had something figured out.
But as we bopped from station to station I noticed something. They never looked up. They barely seemed to clock that there was a human being beside them. They did not look out the windows. They didn’t give themselves the opportunity to see the new buds on the trees at this stop. Or the family giving a tearful goodbye at this platform. I spent probably 30 minutes trying to imagine who they were to each other and why this farewell was so difficult. And maybe it’s silly, but isn’t that the stuff of life? Isn’t that the beautiful part of it all? The part that connects us to the billions of other human souls around us? Isn’t that the part of living that makes the 8 hour work days worthwhile? Because you get to go home and have those moments with your own family and then see a family of strangers share the same moment and realize you’re all connected? And if I were to work a job that gave me everything I needed in life, but stripped me of that wonder. Is it worth it?
There is a lot I don’t have figured out. I don’t know if my approach to life is “right.” Or if there even is a “right” or “wrong” way. But I do look out the windows. I do wonder about the strangers on the train platforms and the airports and the diners. And, I think, I might be getting that part right.
So I put my pen to paper~
***
I am awash in Black and Blue
A sea of something new
To me
A foreign territory I will never know
People so sharp and shiny
They Glow
Clean cut like guillotined heads
Folded and tucked into nursing home beds
I am rolling
In the waves of edges
9-5 has them scrubbed so clean
I wonder what they glean from
Subway rides
Or passing brides
At chapels they never noticed before
I am awash with Black and blue
Black and Blue
As if they’re bruised
By the way life worked out
By how early they lost their clout
By how late they always feel
No matter how early
They rise to reel
At the lack of sunlight dripping through their Ikea curtains
I wonder are they certain?
Do they know more than I
What it feels like to fly
And fall
On their own wings
Or have they started collecting things
Like feathers they lost to the sunlight
Or the names of loves'
Lost in the twilight
Or the twilights they lost
To the workload
Do they overload and explode on the meaning of life
Or lack thereof
Do they look above
At the night skies
Marveling at how time flies
Singing songs
From old CDs
They haven’t seen in years
Shriveling up their ears
With music their past had reared
I am awash with Black and Blue
Do they know more than I
Grasping sugar water coffee
Scraping together the couple of sunbeams left in their budgets
To buy fares
To visit Dante
Knowing what the next
5, 10, 15, 20
years will hold
Planned and packaged in a bow
Here I am guess what the next
5, 10, 15, 20
seconds will hold
And wringing my hands over
What I might miss and
What I might not
Where I should go
Waiting to rot
In the same spot
Unable to move my feet,
My hands,
My Self
Turning to stone in the universe’s Medusa stare
Blinded by the glare
Stock still
and
Awash with Black and Blue
***
